Tuesday, May 14, 2013

What To Say To a Miscarriage Survivor

Yesterday I wrote about what not to say to a miscarriage survivor. I felt it was important to start with the negative because so many people don't even realize that what they are saying is hurtful.While there seems to be so many more wrong things to say, I wanted to highlight that saying the right thing can make a difference.

I truly believe that miscarriage is unfairly brushed under the table in our society. It's taboo to talk about and women often stay quiet when they suffer a loss. Because of this, people often don't know what to say when a loss does occur. Here's a guideline of what you can say if a friend/family member of yours suffers a miscarriage.

What To Say To A Miscarriage Survivor

I am so sorry for your loss. A miscarriage is exactly that, a loss. Please treat it as you would any other loss.

How are you? Asking this simple open ended question and actually meaning it (not just using it when greeting somebody) means more than you can know. 

You and your family are in my prayers. As somebody of faith, this simple act is always a source of comfort to me.

I’m here for you. This is one of the best things you can say. It lets her know that you care but doesn’t put pressure on her to open up if she isn’t ready or answer a bunch of  questions.

Is there anything I can do for you? Most likely, she will say no but it’s the thought that counts. Just knowing that you care enough to ask is enough. And if there is something she wants from you, be respectful that she felt comfortable enough to ask. 

Please remember, everybody grieves differently. Be conscious of a miscarriage survivor’s needs. Some women want to do nothing but be alone, others want constant support and companionship. If she shows signs of wanting to be alone, give her space but don't disappear completely. If she seems to want you around, then stick around. Personally, I wanted a little bit of both. Some days I preferred to be alone with my thoughts and emotions, but other days I wanted a “mental escape.” 

I’ve been so lucky that my best friend, Stephanie, has been able to provide that for me. She’s spent a lot of time with me the last two months and she seems to know exactly what I need. We’ve gone on a road trip, went running, watched movies, been shopping and million other little things that take my mind off of the depression I’ve been feeling. She hasn’t pressured me to talk about my grief, but she always has an open ear when I do want to talk about it. And I will never be able to thank her enough for it.

While I hope that nobody you know ever has to go through the pain of a miscarriage, I know that realistically, 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage in her life. My hope is that after reading this you will better know how to handle talking with a woman who has experienced a loss.


  1. Thankyou Alicia I just found out that I've had a miscarriage at 8 weeks and I found your post really helpful to read.

  2. Thank you so much for this post. My brothers girlfriend just lost my brothers first baby. It is a loss for our very close knit family and as deeply saddened as we all are I can't imagine the so much deeper pain they are feeling. We will see each other tonight for an early Christmas for her older two children and I am at a lose on how to handle the situation. This was some very valuable information. I am so deeply sorry for your loss.